Kind of a busy day.....the missus's car looks great! Detailed it and it is looking nice.  Going to be nice riding in it on the way to our vacation!  Looking forward to being away and hanging in a great city with my missus and kiddos!

I got some new shorts....that I needed.  It really hit home today how chubby I have gotten......going to have to work on that!

Didn't blog last night.  It's not that I dislike doing it....in fact in enjoy it.  It is very cathartic.  I am able to get things out and no longer hold onto them.

Had dinner for my daughter's birthday.  It was with my folks.  Now I love my folks.  They have been very welcoming and supportive in dealing with my BPD, but....my dad is difficult for me to be around.  No matter what he is always tired, anxious or depressed about something.  Tonight I came home at felt down.  I left here in a good mood....came home down.  Go figure....

The missus is on vacation for this week!  We are going to celebrate our daughter's birthday in a BIG way!

Outside almost all day today and boy am I tired!  Got a few things done and figured out what I did wrong on my knife....best kind of lesson is the one you learn from making mistakes!

Nothing much today.....worked on hobby stuff all day.  Good day!

I am tired!  Didn't get to go to group tonight....make sure to hit it Thursday!

I did not forget to blog today!

Now, I know I have done some bad shit in my life.  I live with that everyday.  I have accepted it and in many ways has let me heal.  One of the things I am guilty of is my temper.  I have a horrible, terrible temper and it used to have free reign.....I have since reigned it in.  That is not to say that I am never going to get angry.  Something that makes me very angry is when someone tells me that I have been lazy all day when they have no idea of the disaster that I had to face when I woke up.  Also, just because I have wronged you in the past , don't think that I am not going to defend myself.  I think that some people believe that they can say whatever to me and I am just going to take it when they have no idea of how busy I stay during the day...


I don't work in the summers and there is a lot that I do.  We have a new home that needs work and I have a list of things that need done.....but do not tell me that I need to be doing more when all I do is keep this home in order and clean.  I am fine with the role that I have taken on.  If I am going to take on that role then let me do it.


Just don't come home at tell me how much I suck at it when I bust my ass all day, everyday trying to make them happy when they come home.  

OK, so.....I have been forgetting to blog.  Today the missus had to remind me....again.  I don't like that I forget to do it.....in fact I enjoy doing this....it makes me feel connected to an audience and maybe others that feel the same things and have to struggle the same way that I struggle.

My goal is to not to forget to blog!

Today was a fun day.  I slept GREAT last night and today my son and I went to the FLGS and I played two games on Hordes.  It is a very enjoyable game and has really re-kindled my love for table top war games.  Not that it was ever diminished....just a bit stale....

Also, the missus is reading 50 Shades of Gray.....and reading is sexy!

Structure, structure, structure!  I have noticed that if I am not in a routine everyday....I tend to forget things and forget to do things easily, like blogging!

I have to make sure to stay on top of it, but let things get out of routine and I will forget!

Tonight we talked and thought about compassion.  Honestly, some of the most compassionate people I know are those that sit in my group meetings.

I have a problem being compassionate sometimes.  I am very guarded and private.  This leads me to sometimes disassociate my feelings for others.  In fact it is a defense mechanism and not one that is all that good either....

Stop for a second and try to see the full picture of the other person's circumstances.

Well.....talk about a brain fart!  Today the missus tells me that I hadn't blogged since last Wednesday!!!  DUH!

Now, looking at this empirically, I see how this equates to BDP behaviors.  You see, when I am in a state of calm and things are just going well......I tend to lose track of the behaviors that keep me focused.  This is a case in point.  Everything is going great and I forget to blog!

Being reminded of not blogging is a good thing.  While group and one on one keeps me focused.....daily blogging has been very cathartic for me.  It just relieves stress for me and it is also a great tool for reflection.

My wife gave me the BEST Father's Day gift ever!

I don't know who reads this or if anyone reads it at all.....but remember to keep doing what you need to do to keep you focused and healthy.

I don't want to admit this....but sleeping through the night and not taking naps is kind of nice.  I guess the only "down side" is that I am always getting tired by now!

Today I just kept busy.  No big projects or jobs....just up and about enjoying being home.

I have come to a few realizations.

1.  I am never going to "conquer"  bi-polar disorder.

2.  I WILL have depressive episodes.

3.  I WILL have episodes of mania.

How I handle all of this is up to me.

It is my responsibility to NOT put myself into unhealthy situations when I am in any of the above states.

It is my responsibility to protect myself and my family when any of the above states are in full swing.

It is my responsibility to go to my family if I even think I am in one of these states, this way we can get things in order and have plans of action.

I will also have to go to therapy for the rest of my life.  Let that realization sink in....it is quite refreshing.

Meds alone don't do it for me.  I have to talk and blog in order to keep a clear head and stay the course.  Currently this is a 3 time a week thing for me.Will it change?  

Maybe....as of right now, No and for the first time ever, I am content with that...

WOW!  What a busy weekend!  I was so tired Saturday and Sunday night I literally did not have the ability to type!  My wife and I worked outside all day both days and it was HOT!  When you work in the heat all day then come in to the A/C.....zaps the get up and go right out of you!

Stayed busy today.....playing for the most part.  My new neighbor is a LOT like me....and we have some of the same interests....it's nice having someone to just hang with and do guy stuff.

I can honestly say that since my last episode of mania I have been very even and just happy and content.  I am not making lists of stuff to buy or shopping online....or looking at shit to buy online.

It is a nice feeling.

No blogging last night.  Got home after group and had to work on getting both kiddos in bed and asleep!

Good day today.  Had one on one and stayed busy.  The daughter went to a pool party, I made homemade asada tacos that went over big (I LOVE to cook) and then took the boy and two of his friends fishing!  Afterwards hit Wendy's for frostys!  My son caugh 14 fish and it is a blast watching him that much fun....and that is what is best in life.

The smiles from your family.

Let me add:

Before you condemn someone be sure to look to yourself first.

Look over your shoulder for your ghosts that are following you, for they are there always.

Look in your closet for the skeletons that we all have.

Look to your house for it is glass and those that would cast a stone, like us all, live in glass houses.

Busy day, seems that has been that way for a few weeks now.

Got up, I have been sleeping better and longer since I stopped napping, made brekky for the kiddos, worked out and then ran a few errands.  Got home....and took the kiddos fishing....it was a good time!  We caught 27 in about an hour....I spent most of the time taking off fish and un-snagging their baits!

It was cute seeing my daughter catch her first fish and seeing my son catch his first decent size large mouth.

Here is a question and an observation:  Why is it at night I always have a bit of a down turn in my mood?  I tend to get quiet and contemplative as well.....

Thought:

It is not my burden if someone hates me, it is theirs to carry.  I cannot help what and who I am.  I have a clinic mental illness.  If you want to condemn me for past actions, all I can do is apologize...but, you that will have to live with the hate.  Not me.

Also, before you condemn, stop being ignorant and read a book!

I am really glad I had group tonight.

Good day, stayed busy and got some chores accomplished...it was also the first time I ever had to really punish my son. So, it was a day of firsts as well.

Also, their first day back, all of my in-laws showed up at our house.  Honestly, I felt invaded and awkward.  It was a very odd feeling to not feel welcome in your own home.  It put me in a weird mood and place mentally.

Being able to talk about it at group was a blessing.  That also made it easier to talk about it with my missus. I will say that I am a very guarded person. It scares me to talk about things most of the time....

Didn't blog yesterday.....out of schedule, but in a good way.  Neighbors came over for a cook out and we had a good time.  The missus had quiet a flipping good time on my hammock!  It was hilarious!

Went to sleep just fine, but a 0400 I was up with a belly ache...took me until 0530 to fall back asleep though.  I always hate the way it makes me feel...even though I know that I got enough sleep, it still feel "off" all day and come the evening I can barely keep my eyes open.

Poison Ivy started to come back today....I had to go get the meds for it.  This is my worst case ever and I have had it quiet a few times.

My son wants to fish all the time now.  I like that he and I finally have something like that.  Now to take the daughter.

Pretty sleepy now.

BUSY today.  Didn't get a lot done around the house, but we were busy!

Took the wee boy fishing today....we caught 24 fish in about an hour and a half.  HAD A BLAST!

Slept fine last night...even with a raging case of poison ivy.  It was so bad I had to go get a shot of steroids and within a few hours it is remarkably better.

I did have a bit of fun with the wife though.  When we went into the city to Lowes.....instead of wearing pants.....I wore shorts and shared with the world my legs that were COMPLETELY covered in calamine lotion and glowing a beautiful white!

Relaxing day today all in all.  Nice and rainy....perfect for a first day staying at home!

My son is at a sleep over...one kid is EASY!

I also have a raging case of poison ivy.....its miserable.....

Nothing profound....just here doing my thing.....