Ups and Downs.  That's it summed up.  BPD takes you up and down and you just pray you spend most of your time somewhere in the middle.

Lately I have been in the middle and I am thankful for that.  Tonight though I feel a bit down.  No clue why either.  The missus got a great job and thing are going along fine....maybe it is the change of her going back to work?  I am clueless about it all....and yes I have been taking my meds like I am supposed to!

It's been toooooo long since I blogged last.  My fault and no one else's!

Writing is cathartic....for me it lets me get thing "out" and then from there they disappear into the aether, which is very nice!

Nothing for me tonight.  My niece is very ill and in ICU.

Just let her be well....

This does give me the image of her parents' heads being so far up their asses that the lump in their throats is their noses.....

So far so good.  The missus is holding up with the loss of her job quite well......but I do think that she is getting discouraged by all the rejection....maybe I am wrong....

Been a busy week at school, but enjoyable enough.

This is the year of the whiny parents.  I cannot abide whining, especially parents of teenagers.  Seriously, it is time to pull them off the teat Mommy.....

I follow the rules, they should want the same.  

OK granted, it is has been too long since my last post...

If the entire European Union can receive a Noble Peace Prize....then all teachers should get one for putting up with whiny students and even whinier parents.  If anything sticks in my craw is the fact that parents (who for the most part are not as educated as I) want to tell he how to do my job.  Good luck!

Also, no one is above the rules.  If there is anything my manic episodes has taught me, is that fact.  We all answer to someone and something.  The rules and the rules are the rules.

If I enforce the rules to everyone, the same way, every time....I cannot be accused of showing favoritism.  Maybe I can be seen as too strict, but I am fine with that....the missus and I are strict my our children and I will not allow some random child less discipline than I give my own.

On to another topic....the missus lost her job.  It sucks, but for some reason I feel optimistic about her chances.  She is smart, driven and well thought of at where she used to work.  I wouldn't be a surprise to me if she was not re-hired there!

Time to admit something....I really haven't been all that good eating here lately.  I have no idea why....but today....10/15 I have been great and will be working out ASAP when I get home!

Someone with BPD can be set off by the most mundane of things.  It is strange that something that bothered you today, did not bother you two weeks ago.  Go figure, right?  Not is not to say that anything has happened to me to set me off, either major or mundane, it is just something I have thought about a lot today.

Being sick SUCKS!  I have strep throat and had to stay home from school today...which gives me time to think...and that is the topic my brain decided on today for contemplation!

OK, so it's been over two weeks since my last post.  It should never have been that long.  Blogging is a good thing and helps me stay on track.  It is too easy to forget to blog when things are going well....and easy to remember during the bad times!

So, yesterday started a 30 day challenge.  Eating right and working out 4 days per week.  I want to be fit in order to live and be able to be an active daddy for my kids!

Through all of my trials and tribulations of dealing with my BPD my wife has been strong.  What she also doesn't know, is that she has taught ma a lot of lessons.

In my profession as an educator, I have to deal with a lot of over protective parents.  Admittedly I am strict, tough and expect a lot out of my students.  I make no bones about those facts.  It is my job to prepare them not only academically, but for life as well.

Two things that the missus has taught me is: be objective and professional

I absolutely love my job, I don't even mind the paperwork...crazy right?  Dealing with parents?  Not so much...

I understand a concerned parent, what I do not understand is a parent that molly-coddles.  Yes, I know they are only 14-15 years old, but if they do not start learning how to interact in a demanding academic setting, how will they be in college?  Do they plan to have their mommy call the mean professors?

The most interesting thing about these situations this year, is the fact they simply do not bother me....I have remained objective and professional, if I do that and I have right on my side, then that is all that anyone can ask of me.

I am good at what I do folks.  I love what I do.

I am proud to say that my self-identity is that of a teacher and I swore I would never classify myself by my profession and here I am doing just that and I love it!

The worst thing about teaching is feeling bad for the kids that you cannot reach. It sucks.  

You want to help them, but the truth is that you just cannot save them all.  You do what you can for the students that want to better their lives.

WHAT a WEEK!  I had one of my little darlins' tell me she was going to "Whoop my @ss!".....children, children, children....

I had a day of agitation this week and even though I was scared to, I called my wife and told her.  She says it   made her feel better about things and my BPD.

Also, I have decided to not lose my temper this year.  If I lose it in class, then I have lost control of the class and at that point the trouble makers have accomplished their task!

Still love my job.  I am just fine defining myself as a "teacher"!

Holy Crap!  Talk about a busy exhausting week, but a GREAT week none the less!

I think that I am going to have a great school year....not without a few rascals in class of course.

I ended up with a single class of sophomores and I was apprehensive of course...but I honestly can say that I think I am going to enjoy them!  It is my last class of the day and it will be nice to have something different for that last class.  What more is the fact that I really enjoy the novels and material I am teaching them....that makes it even better.

This week I realized how proud I am of the missus.  She is awesome at being a mom, boss and wife.  Better than I am a husband for sure.  \

I also realized that I am never going to be able to fully make up for all of the bad things I am done.  That really bothers me, but I cannot change things that have already happened.....I must go forward.

First week of school is almost over...and for the first time I do not feel so behind!  I guess two years of being frantic has paid off!

Most of my kiddos are duds so far...they just sit in their classes in stunned silence!  Maybe it's me?  LOL!  I love it!

One thing about the first week....I am exhausted....but in a good way!

I hate getting angry anymore....and I am not talking about irritated...I am talking well and truly furious.  Our puppy is having trouble housebreaking.  Now, she's smart and is amazing with everything else....but tonight I caught her in the act.  A good thing and bad thing at the same time.  Good in the sense catching her allowed me to correct her....and bad because she peed inside.  I was furious.....when I get mad like that I come down very hard.  It is that fast, huge mood swing that sucks so bad.

It is hard to believe that on tuesday I will have a whole new set of students to aggravate!  I Love my job!

I am scared.  I am scared that I am not going to be able to control me eating in such a way that will allow me to lose weight.  I can exercise...in fact, now that I have doing it, I kind of enjoy it...not so much while I am doing it, but after.  the endorphins are a hell of a high!

Will I be able to eat right though?  Will I not only be able to eat right, but eat the things that will be proper?  Meaning not all the wrong carbs and sugars?

Honestly, I don't know if I am strong enough to be successful this time and it frightens me.

What a boring, long PD today and to boot it felt like it was 20 degrees in the library where it was held!  Miserable on all accounts!

I keep fixating on my weight since I am trying to lose....almost had a panic attack tonight because of it....just want to sleep tonight and not think about it!

On a positive note, school starts Friday!  I will have students by Tuesday!  I LOVE TEACHING!

My kiddos start tomorrow and they are both excited...that makes me happy!  I also feel that the missus and I are doing well.  I feel this need to do little, nice things for her....like make her sandwich...just little things....not because I feel I have to....but because I want to....

Bummed out tonight....but glad my son is home safe and sound!

I have been busting my arse on the elliptical and eating right.

Guess what?  My weight is GOING UP!  WTF!!!???

Am I ever going to be able to lose?  Am I going to have to starve myself AND workout???

I finished the required-by-contract PD hours as of today!

Had a nice dinner with my mom tonight, she had my kids all day.  I am just ready to get back to teaching....and boy am I tired tonight.

We took the kiddos to their school to meet this years teachers....I think we will like them both, but all we can do is wait and see!

Here is the funny thing about me and BDP.....most days it just never enters into my mind that I have a mental illness....and then all of a sudden.....BAM! It hits me....and it reminds me of all the bad things I have done when I was in a manic state.  It's a bitch to know that I have almost lost my family not once....but twice.

I am prepared to do whatever it takes to never lose them.  I love them too much to hurt them anymore.

Now, on to more cheerful thoughts!  It has been one week of eating healthy and proper exercise.  Honestly, I am not seeing all that big of a difference on the scale....but my body just feels different and I do not think it's mental either.  I think it is a good physiological response to a change of life that is only positive!

Also, school started today more or less!  YES!  I love me job!

Decent days since my last post.  Finally feel like I have my eating under control.  I have been working out and eating right.  No simple carbs.....the proper complex carbohydrates!  It has really kept me full and not craving sugar after sugar....and that is a good thing!

I had a PD this week....and it made me realize how much I really love my job!

Mixed bag today.

Our elliptical is now fixed and I did well eating today.  The missus got some good news at work and we are both waiting to see if it is going to come to fruition 100%.....so a bit of nerves because it would be such a boon to our family.  Let me be honest...she deserves it.  After putting up with my manic episodes and all the bad shit I have done, she deserves something to go her way, the way she wants.

The down side is that I know with out a doubt my health is at risk.  My triglycerides are through the roof and my good cholesterol is down to the point of being dangerous.

I have to make some diet changes, now.

Tomorrow I get to do work stuff though and I am looking forward to it!

So last night I had a panic attack.  My wife and kids are gone for the weekend....and it really freaked me out....it made me realize how much they comfort me just being here with me!

On the positive side of things I plan on having some fun today!  Warhammer and cider making!  I will probably work on some airsoft gear and paint a few models as well!  I have FINALLY figured out a killer artisan bread recipe.  It turned out perfect, especially for soups.....this fall it is going to be perfect with vegetable soup.

If you cannot tell, I love to cook and I love food.  My love of food can get me into trouble.....especially when eating it. .....

Blogging is healthy.  My last post allowed me to say things and detox myself of poison.  It is a nice feeling.

Had group today.  I felt bad about myself.  I am heavy, not fat really, but chubby.  It bothers me.  What really bothers me is my inability to control myself with food.....is it a real addiction?  Maybe, I don't know.

I have to lose weight and get fit or I am going to die young.

I am going to preface the following with this statement:  During my last manic episode my brother is law pulled my arse out of the fire and for that I do owe him a debt.  I hope that one day that I can repay that debt.

My brother in law is a big mouthed arsehole and drunken idiot that does not know when to keep his mouth shut.  He is laughable as a father and even funnier as a businessman. He is a narcissistic jerk that is so wrapped up in his own delusions of himself he cannot remind my nieces to brush their teeth at night.  How is that for being a father?

How about shutting your mouth?  Try being a father and paying your debts.

For whatever reason, I intimidate him.  I do not believe this to be physical intimidation, but mental.  He is unable to speak his mind in any way, so he tries it verbally and with his limited vocabulary it is quite amusing.  Let me be honest, he is dumb.  I don't mean ignorant of things, but just plain old dumb.  Fortunately I am the opposite of dumb.  I read books, I am educated and I can speak and write with proper grammar (although granted, in this blog it is not a memoir, just my ramblings).  Why is it that he sees me as any kind of threat, because I don't watch Nascar and I am not into boats and big trucks and other things that have put in him so far in debt that he is royally buggered?  He has managed to take his father's business, that his father made successful over 30 years of back breaking work, and run it into the toilet in less that 5 years.

If he wants to judge me, fine.  No skin off my nose.  What he should try doing is READING A BOOK about what we with BPD go through!  Hell, read a Wikipedia entry if an entire book is too difficult to get through! The best part of this is, is that the people he vomits his words upon are as uneducated as he is...and most are in the same boat (that statement does not pertain to my family or my in-law's, only him and his merry band of retards).


Maybe I should start running my mouth about his learning disability? Maybe I should run my mouth about how bad of a fathers he is or the debt he is drowning in, but I won't.  I would not stoop to his level.


His wife is almost as bad.  She is fake, fake, fake.  As i have said before, if you don't like me, I am fine with that.....but DO NOT BE FAKE TO MY FACE!

Essentially he is Cousin Eddie from the Vacation movies without the lovable goof ball tendencies.

In the beginning for this post I said that I hope that I can repay the debt I owe him one day.  Do you know why?  Because at that point, I am done.  Completely done.  I will no longer care about what happens to him.  If I never see him again, it will not bother me.  I will not say I hate him.  Hate is a strong word.  I just don't care about him in any way, shape or form.

I admit my mistakes.  I seek help three times a week for my problems.

Maybe he should do the same and stop living in denial that life is one big party, that he is not an alcoholic and what you did in HS football matters in life.

That feels better, like draining an infected carbuncle off of your arse!  I have released the poison into the ether and no longer can control me in anyway way.

WOW!  What a busy day!  I bet I sleep tonight!

Today I took out the crappy brick step that the original owner of the house did....I mean really....what....an....idiot!  I then formed up a proper step and poured it proper like, to quote Little John Hordle.

I am really proud that I was able to do to complete the project alone.  It took a while, but worth it for sure!

I cannot wait for fall....honestly I could live somewhere that never got hot.  I hate the heat with a passion.

When it is hot and muggy.....it is just hot and miserable.  No amount of clothes off will cool you down.  You will sit there naked and sweating buckets naked instead of sweating buckets with clothes on.

At least I can tough it out stoically and get done what needs to be done.  Group tomorrow night.  Looking forward to it!

90% of the time I am OK with having a mental illness.  I mean, I really cannot help it...I y'am what I y'am said Popeye.

Then there are other times that it really hits home that I am legitimately mentally ill.  That I am one of "those" people and it bothers me.  A Lot.

Tonight my reminder alarm for my meds went off and I went in to refill my med box for the week and take tonight's happy pills.  It was at that moment it hit home.  I have an illness that is NEVER going away,  EVER.

I will never have a reprieve from it, ever.  The only way it goes away for me is when I die.  Not that I WANT to die, mind you!  It is just a hell of a thing to be reminded of at times.

Two things:
1.  I may be the most scatter brained person in the universe.
2.  I may be the worlds worst blogger!

This has been a really good week, but I can honestly say that I am looking forward to getting back to the classroom!  I just love teaching....

I am very concerned about my weight.  I have a problem with sugars and sweets.  I will go all day doing great with my diet (meaning eating right) and then I will all of a sudden binge on sweets and blow it.  I feel like I am outside of my body and cannot stop.....why?

All I can say....yesterday I did great.....and I plan on doing the same today.

The weather has finally broke and it is back to normal summer temps here in the Bluegrass......the only problem is that I have had a kink that runs from the base of my skull down past my right shoulder blade.  It hurts bad enough to give me headaches.  Of course anytime I have anything wrong and express it my wife rolls her eyes and jokes on me about being a whiner and baby.

I had a hard time staying awake today.  It doesn't help that my daughter had a bad night and I had to sleep in her bed.  Then with my shoulder It was after 12:30 before I was able to fall asleep....suck-tastic.

I feel a bit strange tonight....I hate feeling this way, especially because I cannot pin point WHY.  This is what BPD is all about....feelings that you have that you cannot explain why...there has been nothing going on to make me feel anxious and down.

Here is something I have always hated about myself:  I cannot just stick to a single hobby.  My minis have been the activity that I have stuck with the longest, I have always been a gamer, not a video gamer but RPGs and mini games.  I just really like everything about them!

Then each year I always get this urge to hunt....but then never do...it drives me crazy and it's embarrassing at the same time.  Then I start doing this thing where I say:  Hey I am going to bow hunt and only do it in period clothing!  But I never do.  It makes me wonder why I try to do things in a fantasy world.  What is wrong with me???

I also love to airsoft....there is a real thrill of carrying a realistic load out and realistic (looking) firearm and entering "combat".  It's exciting and gets the adrenalin flowing.  I love that feeling!

Maybe with my "hunting" I just really enjoy making the stuff, since I make 90% of it.  Is the hobby making the gear?  The escapism that comes with it??  Maybe I will this fall, maybe I will not.  Either way I should just enjoy what I get out of it...right?

Maybe it is just my hyperactive big brain always needing something to chew on....why do I always try to pigeon hole myself?  Am I trying to define who I think I am?  Maybe I should just accept that I am ALL of these things?

Unholy Hell......it has been well over 100 degrees for over a week now.  Add that to pea soup like humidity....and it is like a punch in the face from God when you walk outside...and no it is not a dry heat.  It is a rice steamer kind of heat.  It's miserable.

Got home from on Chicago, took my daughter to the doctor.....to find out that she has pneumonia....again.  She is just very susceptible to it if she cannot quickly get over a cold or chest congestion.

I really have been thinking about my weight.  The bottom line is that if I do not get it off, I am going to die....and sooner than later.  So today it began.  I have to make a life change, not a diet.  Good lean foods, minimal sugar and lots of veg and fruit!

Happy birthday America!

Good times so far on vacation!  Had fun yesterday watching the daughter pick out her new American Girl doll bitty baby!

Kids went swimming, the missus and I relaxed....and then........I went out to find dinner.  That was an excursion!  I came back pissed and miserably sweaty.  Also, people in a city this big can be rude.  Seriously, back home their behavior would get them a dressing down if not an @ss kicking......I actually got so mad that I dropped an f-bomb in front of my children!

I was exhausted last night!  I slept for 10 hours!  Heading out today for one last hoorah before heading home tomorrow!

WHEW!  Busy day!  The family and I are celebrating my daughter's birthday in a BIG way!  American Girl store here we come.

I drank a bit too much Saturday.....three beers.  It upset my missus.  If it upset her that much then it wasn't worth it.  I just LOVE beer!  I don't want to even feel a slight buzz.  I just love the taste.  If a good non-alcoholic was available I would be ALL over it....but, alas I guess I am going to have to just monitor the quantity and enjoy the quality.  It just is not worth anything bad or destructive.

I am super tired.  Long day, but a good one.  I already miss Charlie.  I still miss Shelby.

I still miss GG.

Kind of a busy day.....the missus's car looks great! Detailed it and it is looking nice.  Going to be nice riding in it on the way to our vacation!  Looking forward to being away and hanging in a great city with my missus and kiddos!

I got some new shorts....that I needed.  It really hit home today how chubby I have gotten......going to have to work on that!

Didn't blog last night.  It's not that I dislike doing it....in fact in enjoy it.  It is very cathartic.  I am able to get things out and no longer hold onto them.

Had dinner for my daughter's birthday.  It was with my folks.  Now I love my folks.  They have been very welcoming and supportive in dealing with my BPD, but....my dad is difficult for me to be around.  No matter what he is always tired, anxious or depressed about something.  Tonight I came home at felt down.  I left here in a good mood....came home down.  Go figure....

The missus is on vacation for this week!  We are going to celebrate our daughter's birthday in a BIG way!

Outside almost all day today and boy am I tired!  Got a few things done and figured out what I did wrong on my knife....best kind of lesson is the one you learn from making mistakes!

Nothing much today.....worked on hobby stuff all day.  Good day!

I am tired!  Didn't get to go to group tonight....make sure to hit it Thursday!

I did not forget to blog today!

Now, I know I have done some bad shit in my life.  I live with that everyday.  I have accepted it and in many ways has let me heal.  One of the things I am guilty of is my temper.  I have a horrible, terrible temper and it used to have free reign.....I have since reigned it in.  That is not to say that I am never going to get angry.  Something that makes me very angry is when someone tells me that I have been lazy all day when they have no idea of the disaster that I had to face when I woke up.  Also, just because I have wronged you in the past , don't think that I am not going to defend myself.  I think that some people believe that they can say whatever to me and I am just going to take it when they have no idea of how busy I stay during the day...


I don't work in the summers and there is a lot that I do.  We have a new home that needs work and I have a list of things that need done.....but do not tell me that I need to be doing more when all I do is keep this home in order and clean.  I am fine with the role that I have taken on.  If I am going to take on that role then let me do it.


Just don't come home at tell me how much I suck at it when I bust my ass all day, everyday trying to make them happy when they come home.  

OK, so.....I have been forgetting to blog.  Today the missus had to remind me....again.  I don't like that I forget to do it.....in fact I enjoy doing this....it makes me feel connected to an audience and maybe others that feel the same things and have to struggle the same way that I struggle.

My goal is to not to forget to blog!

Today was a fun day.  I slept GREAT last night and today my son and I went to the FLGS and I played two games on Hordes.  It is a very enjoyable game and has really re-kindled my love for table top war games.  Not that it was ever diminished....just a bit stale....

Also, the missus is reading 50 Shades of Gray.....and reading is sexy!

Structure, structure, structure!  I have noticed that if I am not in a routine everyday....I tend to forget things and forget to do things easily, like blogging!

I have to make sure to stay on top of it, but let things get out of routine and I will forget!

Tonight we talked and thought about compassion.  Honestly, some of the most compassionate people I know are those that sit in my group meetings.

I have a problem being compassionate sometimes.  I am very guarded and private.  This leads me to sometimes disassociate my feelings for others.  In fact it is a defense mechanism and not one that is all that good either....

Stop for a second and try to see the full picture of the other person's circumstances.

Well.....talk about a brain fart!  Today the missus tells me that I hadn't blogged since last Wednesday!!!  DUH!

Now, looking at this empirically, I see how this equates to BDP behaviors.  You see, when I am in a state of calm and things are just going well......I tend to lose track of the behaviors that keep me focused.  This is a case in point.  Everything is going great and I forget to blog!

Being reminded of not blogging is a good thing.  While group and one on one keeps me focused.....daily blogging has been very cathartic for me.  It just relieves stress for me and it is also a great tool for reflection.

My wife gave me the BEST Father's Day gift ever!

I don't know who reads this or if anyone reads it at all.....but remember to keep doing what you need to do to keep you focused and healthy.

I don't want to admit this....but sleeping through the night and not taking naps is kind of nice.  I guess the only "down side" is that I am always getting tired by now!

Today I just kept busy.  No big projects or jobs....just up and about enjoying being home.

I have come to a few realizations.

1.  I am never going to "conquer"  bi-polar disorder.

2.  I WILL have depressive episodes.

3.  I WILL have episodes of mania.

How I handle all of this is up to me.

It is my responsibility to NOT put myself into unhealthy situations when I am in any of the above states.

It is my responsibility to protect myself and my family when any of the above states are in full swing.

It is my responsibility to go to my family if I even think I am in one of these states, this way we can get things in order and have plans of action.

I will also have to go to therapy for the rest of my life.  Let that realization sink in....it is quite refreshing.

Meds alone don't do it for me.  I have to talk and blog in order to keep a clear head and stay the course.  Currently this is a 3 time a week thing for me.Will it change?  

Maybe....as of right now, No and for the first time ever, I am content with that...

WOW!  What a busy weekend!  I was so tired Saturday and Sunday night I literally did not have the ability to type!  My wife and I worked outside all day both days and it was HOT!  When you work in the heat all day then come in to the A/C.....zaps the get up and go right out of you!

Stayed busy today.....playing for the most part.  My new neighbor is a LOT like me....and we have some of the same interests....it's nice having someone to just hang with and do guy stuff.

I can honestly say that since my last episode of mania I have been very even and just happy and content.  I am not making lists of stuff to buy or shopping online....or looking at shit to buy online.

It is a nice feeling.

No blogging last night.  Got home after group and had to work on getting both kiddos in bed and asleep!

Good day today.  Had one on one and stayed busy.  The daughter went to a pool party, I made homemade asada tacos that went over big (I LOVE to cook) and then took the boy and two of his friends fishing!  Afterwards hit Wendy's for frostys!  My son caugh 14 fish and it is a blast watching him that much fun....and that is what is best in life.

The smiles from your family.

Let me add:

Before you condemn someone be sure to look to yourself first.

Look over your shoulder for your ghosts that are following you, for they are there always.

Look in your closet for the skeletons that we all have.

Look to your house for it is glass and those that would cast a stone, like us all, live in glass houses.

Busy day, seems that has been that way for a few weeks now.

Got up, I have been sleeping better and longer since I stopped napping, made brekky for the kiddos, worked out and then ran a few errands.  Got home....and took the kiddos fishing....it was a good time!  We caught 27 in about an hour....I spent most of the time taking off fish and un-snagging their baits!

It was cute seeing my daughter catch her first fish and seeing my son catch his first decent size large mouth.

Here is a question and an observation:  Why is it at night I always have a bit of a down turn in my mood?  I tend to get quiet and contemplative as well.....

Thought:

It is not my burden if someone hates me, it is theirs to carry.  I cannot help what and who I am.  I have a clinic mental illness.  If you want to condemn me for past actions, all I can do is apologize...but, you that will have to live with the hate.  Not me.

Also, before you condemn, stop being ignorant and read a book!

I am really glad I had group tonight.

Good day, stayed busy and got some chores accomplished...it was also the first time I ever had to really punish my son. So, it was a day of firsts as well.

Also, their first day back, all of my in-laws showed up at our house.  Honestly, I felt invaded and awkward.  It was a very odd feeling to not feel welcome in your own home.  It put me in a weird mood and place mentally.

Being able to talk about it at group was a blessing.  That also made it easier to talk about it with my missus. I will say that I am a very guarded person. It scares me to talk about things most of the time....

Didn't blog yesterday.....out of schedule, but in a good way.  Neighbors came over for a cook out and we had a good time.  The missus had quiet a flipping good time on my hammock!  It was hilarious!

Went to sleep just fine, but a 0400 I was up with a belly ache...took me until 0530 to fall back asleep though.  I always hate the way it makes me feel...even though I know that I got enough sleep, it still feel "off" all day and come the evening I can barely keep my eyes open.

Poison Ivy started to come back today....I had to go get the meds for it.  This is my worst case ever and I have had it quiet a few times.

My son wants to fish all the time now.  I like that he and I finally have something like that.  Now to take the daughter.

Pretty sleepy now.

BUSY today.  Didn't get a lot done around the house, but we were busy!

Took the wee boy fishing today....we caught 24 fish in about an hour and a half.  HAD A BLAST!

Slept fine last night...even with a raging case of poison ivy.  It was so bad I had to go get a shot of steroids and within a few hours it is remarkably better.

I did have a bit of fun with the wife though.  When we went into the city to Lowes.....instead of wearing pants.....I wore shorts and shared with the world my legs that were COMPLETELY covered in calamine lotion and glowing a beautiful white!

Relaxing day today all in all.  Nice and rainy....perfect for a first day staying at home!

My son is at a sleep over...one kid is EASY!

I also have a raging case of poison ivy.....its miserable.....

Nothing profound....just here doing my thing.....

Here is what I don't get.....I have been great all day and now here it is about 9 PM and I am feeling melancholy......really?  What gives?

Bi-Polar Disorder sucks.

Last day for teachers today!!!!  SUMMER BREAK!

Nice day all in all....came home a did some odds and ends and just stayed busy.

Met with my new therapist....I like her...so far, only time will tell I guess.

I know my wife isn't ready to be "with me" right now.....but it still hurts....wish I hadn't screwed up again....

I plan on staying home all day tomorrow....I cannot wait!

So, I was busy this morning at work....and come the end of third period it ground to a long boring halt!  Last day of school and all I need to wrap up was finished by the end of third........

Why would someone who I caught cheating on a final get to take it?  Then he came in and threatened me.....ON THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!

Teenagers just make bad decisions sometimes....

Came home, hung out with Charlie....went fishing for a while....caught nineteen fish....all in all....not a bad day!

A mixed bag tonight.....

On the way to group I discovered the joys of Pandora radio and set up a Street Dogs Station....very awesome.

Also, I don't mean to sound insensitive, but I met a kid tonight that is a paranoid schizophrenic and he is just so out there that I think he needs to be.....well, in a place that he cannot harm himself...permanently.

On the way home my wife talked to me and shared a few things....she began crying.  I wouldn't say this brought me down really, just made me very introspective and thinking.....not a bad thing I don't think.....

Last day of school tomorrow!  Well for me that day in technically Thursday....but the students' last day tomorrow.

Already looking forward to next year....

Please let me stay on the straight and narrow, I don't want to lose my family...

I slept like the dead last night!  For once I was the LAST person up in the house.....no nap today....worked out in the heat all day....and I am pooped!  GOOD day!

Tried to post last night with the family at the hotel room....no luck.......Oh well!

Great day today!  Spent it with the family at an amusement park after staying in a hotel last night....HAD....A.....BLAST!

Why is it that now I cannot ride all the rides without feeling like puking?  The real truth is that I had a fulfilling day with my family and that is all that really matters.

Good night last night with a good day today.

I was so tired last night I didn't write on here....I had to be reminded tonight....just not a habit yet.

I had group yesterday and I love it.  It really gives me a sense that I am not alone in this struggle.  Now I know that there are others that struggle like I do with Bi Polar Disorder.  Last night before group I was feeling introspective....not down per se, just thinking a lot.  Reflecting on my past struggles.  During group I met a new member and it really snapped me out of my pondering....he has made a lot more and worse mistakes than I have, but I do see myself in him if I do not take control.  It looks like 3 days a week of therapy for me for the rest of my life.

I actually like the idea of that.  I need routine and a sense of belonging.

Today, well it is the last few days for this school year and the students are all over the place....

Good day though, but tired.  I feel so buoyed when I get home from group that I have a hard time sleeping!

Picked up my kids, brought them home and just had a normal evening.  Grilled steaks and chicken and sat down as a family for dinner.

Tomorrow we are leaving to take the kids on an overnight trip to an amusement park and they are excited...but then so am I!

In many ways I am truly blessed.

Wow I am tired.  I think I didn't get enough sleep last night...came home from group and just felt so much relief that it made it hard for me to fall asleep!  Much better than not being able to sleep because of mania or depression.

Good day at work too!  Finals have started and this means the end of school year.  I love my job...not for the time off, but because it is what I was called to do.  For the first time in my life I use my profession to help define who I am...and I am OK with it....

Bad head ache though, probably the lack of sleep coupled with allergies from mowing the lawn....bet I sleep well tonight....and I get to get an extra 30 minutes to boot!

I did over eat today....and have felt nauseous since about 5:00PM or so.....hate that feeling!  I have a middle eastern student aide and his mother sent in enough home cooked middle eastern cooking to feed the whole class, just for me.....it is just so damn tasty!

Kiddos are at Nana and Graddaddy's house tonight and tomorrow night.  I miss them terribly, but it is nice to not hear ANT Farm, So Random or Good Luck Charlie in the background and be able to talk to the missus about things....

I would love to fish a lot this summer....both alone wading and with the kids....I think I will make that happen....

Retreat Hell! I just got here!- Lloyd Williams

Stayed busy today around the house.  It was primary election day in my home state, so I had the day off.  Took the pup to the vet, bought puppy food and just worked around the house and talked with my kids.

Made sure to exercise first thing this morning...what a great feeling!

Tonight I went to my first DBSA meeting.  It was awesome.  I really felt a sense of relief knowing that finally they're really are others that suffer like I do...and a few that suffer worse,  poor souls.

The missus came home to a very clean house and all the laundry done....put her in a good mood.  Believe me that helps...especially with what I have put her through.

Tip o' the day: 
Find a group to join and GO!  YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS! Also make sure to kiss her when you can, hugs your kids for as long as you can, get puppy kisses and never give up the good fight!

So after sharing this blog (online journal?) with the missus, we both thought it would be a good idea to write at the end of each day.

You see, I am an English teacher and I absolutely love to read, each night I read about an hour and 20 minutes or so with my little boy, part of my ritual now will be to reflect on the day so here goes....

Good day today!  Stayed busy and kept an active mind (super important)....came home....no naps, no drinks....helped out my neighbor with a project.  Cooked dinner....breakfast and BLTs....isn't bacon the best!?

See....I stayed busy....good stuff!

It's time to read.....into the land of The Seven Kingdoms!

BPDE over and out!

Tip of the day:

Log your sleep....even naps....look for patterns and see if they are linked to episodes of depression or mania.

So I started off with a bang without a bit about myself.....

I have BPD.  It is not pleasant.  I wasn't diagnosed until 4 years ago.....

If you love someone with it....well, ignorance is not bliss.  Be aware of symptoms of mania and depression but do not focus on them.  FOCUS ON THE ROOT CAUSE NOT THE SYMPTOMS!

BI POLAR DISORDER!


Educate people!

Try these to start:

http://www.dbsalouisville.org/ 

http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/default.htm

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bipolar-disorder/DS00356

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bipolar-disorder/ds00356 

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001924/ 

Now, I just had a BAD manic episode.  My mania includes me engaging in risky behavior....like kleptomania.....let me just say, "Thank God for small miracles".....I came very close to losing everything, but a great wife and I am back even minded again.

Things to do:

Exercise

proper diet

sleep (but not TOO much)

set a schedule and keep to it

realize what you have to lose

NO alcohol (just trust me)

TAKE YOUR MEDS!

realize that you have a clinical neurological disease

set reminders and alarms.....smart phones are great for this....

Journal....I hate doing it......but I am a computer junkie....always plugged in it seems....so....TA DA!  A blog is the answer....also it makes me feel connected and not alone.

It begins....

People.  The media and Hollyweird have made people with Bi Polar Disorder (BPD) out to be what we are not.....they use the sensational always.

Really?

Does anyone not research anything any more?  Mania is a SYMPTOM!  NOT THE ROOT CAUSE....

If you see someone engaging in risky behavior, and they have BPD, go to them rationally and calmly.....tell them you care and they see what you do not.  Calm them down and get them help...period.