Mixed bag today.

Our elliptical is now fixed and I did well eating today.  The missus got some good news at work and we are both waiting to see if it is going to come to fruition 100%.....so a bit of nerves because it would be such a boon to our family.  Let me be honest...she deserves it.  After putting up with my manic episodes and all the bad shit I have done, she deserves something to go her way, the way she wants.

The down side is that I know with out a doubt my health is at risk.  My triglycerides are through the roof and my good cholesterol is down to the point of being dangerous.

I have to make some diet changes, now.

Tomorrow I get to do work stuff though and I am looking forward to it!

So last night I had a panic attack.  My wife and kids are gone for the weekend....and it really freaked me out....it made me realize how much they comfort me just being here with me!

On the positive side of things I plan on having some fun today!  Warhammer and cider making!  I will probably work on some airsoft gear and paint a few models as well!  I have FINALLY figured out a killer artisan bread recipe.  It turned out perfect, especially for soups.....this fall it is going to be perfect with vegetable soup.

If you cannot tell, I love to cook and I love food.  My love of food can get me into trouble.....especially when eating it. .....

Blogging is healthy.  My last post allowed me to say things and detox myself of poison.  It is a nice feeling.

Had group today.  I felt bad about myself.  I am heavy, not fat really, but chubby.  It bothers me.  What really bothers me is my inability to control myself with food.....is it a real addiction?  Maybe, I don't know.

I have to lose weight and get fit or I am going to die young.

I am going to preface the following with this statement:  During my last manic episode my brother is law pulled my arse out of the fire and for that I do owe him a debt.  I hope that one day that I can repay that debt.

My brother in law is a big mouthed arsehole and drunken idiot that does not know when to keep his mouth shut.  He is laughable as a father and even funnier as a businessman. He is a narcissistic jerk that is so wrapped up in his own delusions of himself he cannot remind my nieces to brush their teeth at night.  How is that for being a father?

How about shutting your mouth?  Try being a father and paying your debts.

For whatever reason, I intimidate him.  I do not believe this to be physical intimidation, but mental.  He is unable to speak his mind in any way, so he tries it verbally and with his limited vocabulary it is quite amusing.  Let me be honest, he is dumb.  I don't mean ignorant of things, but just plain old dumb.  Fortunately I am the opposite of dumb.  I read books, I am educated and I can speak and write with proper grammar (although granted, in this blog it is not a memoir, just my ramblings).  Why is it that he sees me as any kind of threat, because I don't watch Nascar and I am not into boats and big trucks and other things that have put in him so far in debt that he is royally buggered?  He has managed to take his father's business, that his father made successful over 30 years of back breaking work, and run it into the toilet in less that 5 years.

If he wants to judge me, fine.  No skin off my nose.  What he should try doing is READING A BOOK about what we with BPD go through!  Hell, read a Wikipedia entry if an entire book is too difficult to get through! The best part of this is, is that the people he vomits his words upon are as uneducated as he is...and most are in the same boat (that statement does not pertain to my family or my in-law's, only him and his merry band of retards).


Maybe I should start running my mouth about his learning disability? Maybe I should run my mouth about how bad of a fathers he is or the debt he is drowning in, but I won't.  I would not stoop to his level.


His wife is almost as bad.  She is fake, fake, fake.  As i have said before, if you don't like me, I am fine with that.....but DO NOT BE FAKE TO MY FACE!

Essentially he is Cousin Eddie from the Vacation movies without the lovable goof ball tendencies.

In the beginning for this post I said that I hope that I can repay the debt I owe him one day.  Do you know why?  Because at that point, I am done.  Completely done.  I will no longer care about what happens to him.  If I never see him again, it will not bother me.  I will not say I hate him.  Hate is a strong word.  I just don't care about him in any way, shape or form.

I admit my mistakes.  I seek help three times a week for my problems.

Maybe he should do the same and stop living in denial that life is one big party, that he is not an alcoholic and what you did in HS football matters in life.

That feels better, like draining an infected carbuncle off of your arse!  I have released the poison into the ether and no longer can control me in anyway way.

WOW!  What a busy day!  I bet I sleep tonight!

Today I took out the crappy brick step that the original owner of the house did....I mean really....what....an....idiot!  I then formed up a proper step and poured it proper like, to quote Little John Hordle.

I am really proud that I was able to do to complete the project alone.  It took a while, but worth it for sure!

I cannot wait for fall....honestly I could live somewhere that never got hot.  I hate the heat with a passion.

When it is hot and muggy.....it is just hot and miserable.  No amount of clothes off will cool you down.  You will sit there naked and sweating buckets naked instead of sweating buckets with clothes on.

At least I can tough it out stoically and get done what needs to be done.  Group tomorrow night.  Looking forward to it!

90% of the time I am OK with having a mental illness.  I mean, I really cannot help it...I y'am what I y'am said Popeye.

Then there are other times that it really hits home that I am legitimately mentally ill.  That I am one of "those" people and it bothers me.  A Lot.

Tonight my reminder alarm for my meds went off and I went in to refill my med box for the week and take tonight's happy pills.  It was at that moment it hit home.  I have an illness that is NEVER going away,  EVER.

I will never have a reprieve from it, ever.  The only way it goes away for me is when I die.  Not that I WANT to die, mind you!  It is just a hell of a thing to be reminded of at times.

Two things:
1.  I may be the most scatter brained person in the universe.
2.  I may be the worlds worst blogger!

This has been a really good week, but I can honestly say that I am looking forward to getting back to the classroom!  I just love teaching....

I am very concerned about my weight.  I have a problem with sugars and sweets.  I will go all day doing great with my diet (meaning eating right) and then I will all of a sudden binge on sweets and blow it.  I feel like I am outside of my body and cannot stop.....why?

All I can say....yesterday I did great.....and I plan on doing the same today.

The weather has finally broke and it is back to normal summer temps here in the Bluegrass......the only problem is that I have had a kink that runs from the base of my skull down past my right shoulder blade.  It hurts bad enough to give me headaches.  Of course anytime I have anything wrong and express it my wife rolls her eyes and jokes on me about being a whiner and baby.

I had a hard time staying awake today.  It doesn't help that my daughter had a bad night and I had to sleep in her bed.  Then with my shoulder It was after 12:30 before I was able to fall asleep....suck-tastic.

I feel a bit strange tonight....I hate feeling this way, especially because I cannot pin point WHY.  This is what BPD is all about....feelings that you have that you cannot explain why...there has been nothing going on to make me feel anxious and down.

Here is something I have always hated about myself:  I cannot just stick to a single hobby.  My minis have been the activity that I have stuck with the longest, I have always been a gamer, not a video gamer but RPGs and mini games.  I just really like everything about them!

Then each year I always get this urge to hunt....but then never do...it drives me crazy and it's embarrassing at the same time.  Then I start doing this thing where I say:  Hey I am going to bow hunt and only do it in period clothing!  But I never do.  It makes me wonder why I try to do things in a fantasy world.  What is wrong with me???

I also love to airsoft....there is a real thrill of carrying a realistic load out and realistic (looking) firearm and entering "combat".  It's exciting and gets the adrenalin flowing.  I love that feeling!

Maybe with my "hunting" I just really enjoy making the stuff, since I make 90% of it.  Is the hobby making the gear?  The escapism that comes with it??  Maybe I will this fall, maybe I will not.  Either way I should just enjoy what I get out of it...right?

Maybe it is just my hyperactive big brain always needing something to chew on....why do I always try to pigeon hole myself?  Am I trying to define who I think I am?  Maybe I should just accept that I am ALL of these things?

Unholy Hell......it has been well over 100 degrees for over a week now.  Add that to pea soup like humidity....and it is like a punch in the face from God when you walk outside...and no it is not a dry heat.  It is a rice steamer kind of heat.  It's miserable.

Got home from on Chicago, took my daughter to the doctor.....to find out that she has pneumonia....again.  She is just very susceptible to it if she cannot quickly get over a cold or chest congestion.

I really have been thinking about my weight.  The bottom line is that if I do not get it off, I am going to die....and sooner than later.  So today it began.  I have to make a life change, not a diet.  Good lean foods, minimal sugar and lots of veg and fruit!

Happy birthday America!

Good times so far on vacation!  Had fun yesterday watching the daughter pick out her new American Girl doll bitty baby!

Kids went swimming, the missus and I relaxed....and then........I went out to find dinner.  That was an excursion!  I came back pissed and miserably sweaty.  Also, people in a city this big can be rude.  Seriously, back home their behavior would get them a dressing down if not an @ss kicking......I actually got so mad that I dropped an f-bomb in front of my children!

I was exhausted last night!  I slept for 10 hours!  Heading out today for one last hoorah before heading home tomorrow!

WHEW!  Busy day!  The family and I are celebrating my daughter's birthday in a BIG way!  American Girl store here we come.

I drank a bit too much Saturday.....three beers.  It upset my missus.  If it upset her that much then it wasn't worth it.  I just LOVE beer!  I don't want to even feel a slight buzz.  I just love the taste.  If a good non-alcoholic was available I would be ALL over it....but, alas I guess I am going to have to just monitor the quantity and enjoy the quality.  It just is not worth anything bad or destructive.

I am super tired.  Long day, but a good one.  I already miss Charlie.  I still miss Shelby.

I still miss GG.